I have Struggled with anxiety
& depression most of my life. It wasn't until I was older that I realized what is was, what was happening & why it was okay. There's this huge stigma for people who suffer with mental health issues. Which is crazy to me because almost every person I know either self medicates, is or has been prescribed something, or struggles to find a happy medium between the two. It's almost like you should be ashamed of yourself if you have issues. I read something that really made me stop & think the other day, 'You make your life hard by always being in your head. Life is simple, get out of your head and get into the moment.'
I am constantly struggling with that little voice inside my head. I could be perfectly content one minute then a complete basket case the next. A couple of weeks ago I texted my neighbor to see if I could bring her crockpot home that I had borrowed. As I was walking out of the door the lid slipped off & crashed to the floor, shattering. I tried to not let it bother me but Jared could tell I was upset. He grabbed the broom & said 'I got it, babe.' I headed across the street and tried to compose myself on the way. No big deal, you can just replace it. My neighbor wasn't home so I used the door code to get in, then realized I didn't know the disarm code for the alarm. As the security screen on the wall started to countdown I began to panic, what if the cops show up & think I'm stealing something? What if I can't get the alarm to go off? What if someone thinks I'm a burglar & tries to shoot me? And a million other scenarios played out in my head while my blood pressure sky rocketed & I just knew I was going to pass out. After 30 seconds of typing in random numbers my neighbor finally texted back with the code & all was silent again. Only minutes had passed but it had felt like a life time. My ears were still ringing. I took a deep breath, told myself to get it together & made my way back across the street. When I walked in Jared had attempted to clean up all of the glass in the floor, but I could still see pieces sparkling when the light hit them just right. He looked at me with concern in his eyes & asked if I was okay. My heart sank & I could feel the tears starting to well up in my eyes. I shook my head no & told him I was about to have a panic attack. I made my way to the bed where I collapsed & tried to calm myself down. At this point, I was crying uncontrollably, my heart was racing, I couldn't catch my breath & my poor boyfriend didn't know what to do. Neither did I, hell, I wasn't even sure why I was upset honestly. Because I dropped a crockpot lid & broke it? Or was it because I panicked while being rushed to type in the alarm code? Maybe a mixture of it all? I laid there until the tears stopped & my breathing was back to normal then ended up falling asleep. When I woke up I quickly realized what had happened earlier & felt silly for letting something so trivial get me so upset. Embarrassed really, my boyfriend just watched me have a panic attack over something tiny. You'd think after 28 years of piled up bullshit I would have learned by now to 'not sweat the small stuff.' I haven't though. Sometimes it's the tiniest of things that eats me up the most & I don't even know why. Why does that little voice in my head try to talk me into believing that something is actually wrong? Why do I allow myself to lose total control of my emotions? Where is this damn voice coming from & why is it SO damn negative all the time?
I. CAN'T. HELP. IT.
Just like someone with a cold can't help but sneeze. I denied the fact that 'something was wrong with me' for a really long time. It wasn't until about this time last year that I sat down with my mom & had a conversation. She begged me to see a doctor about getting some medicine to help. There would be times where I would lay in bed for days, not eating anything, not drinking anything, too afraid to leave the house because I thought something bad was going to happen to me every time I did. Sleeping my days away. She explained that the chemicals in my brain had everything to do with why I was feeling this way & that is was perfectly fine to talk to someone about it. So I did. I'd like to say that this magical pill solved all my problems & I am a brand new woman. But that'd be a lie. I still have hard days & it's still a battle to come back from that mindset when you feel yourself slipping into the darkness. I was raised to show no emotion, emotions meant you were weak & being weak was not acceptable. I was so good at pretending like everything was ok that I was exhausting myself putting on this front. It took a long, hard fall to rock bottom to realize that I had a lot of issues bottled up in me that I needed to let out. Talk about. Get off my chest. Minor things, major things, & some things in-between. I was so ashamed to reach out because I thought judgment would get passed & that was the last thing I needed. Someone thinking I'm crazy or feeling sorry for me.
It's okay to ask for help. It's okay to reach out to someone when you're feeling like your world is crashing around you & there's nothing you can do. It's okay to lay down & take a nap when you're on the verge of losing your shit. It's okay to talk about it. It's okay to show your vulnerable side to the world. It's okay to not show the world shit & maybe just vent to your bestie in the bathroom at the bar because you can't hold it in any longer. Do what you need to do to make yourself feel better. Stop listening to the little voice inside your head that is manipulating your thoughts & telling you that things are bad when they really aren't. GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD. Take your dog for a walk. Meet your mom for lunch. Write the damn blog post.
I read somewhere last week that it was mental health awareness day. When I read the words my heart skipped a beat & I began to wonder what it would be like to share with people a side of me that not many have seen. I wondered if there was someone out there who needed to read my words. I started thinking of all the bad things that could come from me opening up on the internet about the battles I struggle with every day.. & as the bad things started to pile up on my mental list, I realized I was doing it again. I was letting that little voice talk me out of doing something that might benefit me or someone else. I feel better already just by having made it this far in this blog post. It's taken me 2 days to write, but a week's worth of courage to actually start writing. I try my best every single day to step outside my comfort zone & ignore the voice telling me this could be really bad. Some days I crush my goals & other days I go to sleep at 8pm & try to explain to my boyfriend that 'I'm just tired.' It's hard to explain sometimes & it's more annoying than anything. Not being able to pinpoint what's wrong or why you're so tired. Just remember, you don't have to explain anything if you don't feel like it. You don't owe an explanation to anyone about anything that goes on in your mind. No one has to agree with the things you do or say. No one has to even understand why. YOUR happiness & mental clarity is what is important, no matter who it pisses off. I'm not a doctor nor a pro on the subject of anxiety or depression by any means, but if you're ever needing someone to vent to, stop listening to that little voice & reach out.
'You make your life hard by always being in your head. Life is simple, get out of your head and get into the moment.'