It doesn't make sense & probably never will..
I am the happiest I have ever been & I'm still depressed af. Yesterday, after what felt like the longest Monday, I got home & all of the things I could have been doing (dishes, laundry, etc) were pushed to the back burner, once again. I decided to lay down for 'just a minute' to try & gather some energy so I could accomplish the chores that needed to be done. As I laid there I felt my heart rate rising & my anxiety going into overdrive. Jared came in & could immediately tell something was wrong. He crawled into the bed & asked if I was okay. Nothing was wrong. But I felt an overwhelming sadness come over me & tears started rolling down my cheeks. I shrugged, laughed a little & said 'I have no idea.'
Instead of pressuring me to come up with an answer that justified my actions, he laid down & wrapped his arms around me & reminded me of how much he loved me. I began to feel guilty for feeling the way I did & not having an answer as to why. My day had been like any other day, nothing out of the ordinary had happened or caused me to become upset. I just sank into this weird mood & didn't know why, much less how, to get out of it. I pretended all day long like I was fine & nothing was bothering me but as soon as I walked in the door to the house & saw the chores that weren't going to do themselves, I broke a little inside. I was exhausted which didn't make any sense because I had just had a few days off for the holidays, & all I could think about was going to sleep to escape the reality of the fact that I had no idea what was wrong with me.
My depression doesn't care what time of the day it is, or how many things I need to get done. It doesn't care that it causes emotions that I can't control or explain. My depression doesn't care if I am in a wonderful mood without a care in the world. It shows up when it wants & leaves when it wants. I can't control it. I can't make it go away or stop. I can't explain why all of a sudden all I want to do is cry myself to sleep. It just does.
This morning I woke up, feeling somewhat refreshed after sleeping for about 12 hours straight, but mostly groggy & confused. I rolled with the motions of the morning routine & got to work a little early so I could get some things done. As I sat and stared at my computer screen waiting for it to wake up the guilt hit me all over again. I didn't cook dinner last night, Jared & Jaxi had leftovers with some mac & cheese. My pile of clean laundry, ready to fold, grew higher & more dishes were added to the sink. I didn't give Jaxi a bath or even tell her goodnight. I slept. I crawled into my selfish black hole & slept. As I sat there, feeling like the world's worst mother, I had to remind myself that every single day is a battle. Yesterday I lost the battle. Today, I refused to lose again. When I got home all I wanted to do was crawl into bed & sleep the rest of the day away. But I didn't. I cooked dinner, loaded the dish washer, folded some clothes, & Jaxi has already had her bath. So why do I feel defeated all over again?
I've come to the conclusion that some days just don't & won't ever make sense. Every single day is a battle to keep it together. I have everything I could ever ask for, a roof over my head, wheels to get to work, two daughters that light up every room they walk into, a job I absolutely love & a man that would swim across the ocean for me if I asked him to. Guess what though, my depression doesn't care. So next time you feel defeated, remind yourself of this, you don't have to win every battle to win the war. It's okay to crawl into your selfish hole as long as you crawl back out of it. It's okay to push the chores to the back burner 'one more day'. It's okay to not explain anything to your significant other, especially when you can't even explain it to yourself. It's okay to skip bath time & feed your kid mac & cheese without feeding yourself. It's okay to feel everything & nothing all at once.
The day you stop fighting the demons you battle with, is the day you lose the war & quite frankly, Mama didn't raise no loser. It's okay to be the happiest you have ever been & still be depressed.